Bill, our resident therapist and smart guy, is a Snowman and a sarcastic know-it-all. In fact, he comes from a long line of Snowman “prodigies”. Below is his grand-uncle Marv, who was a wild and crazy party type.
Marv died from a guacamole overdose even though some claim it was margarita poisoning.
Bill’s mother’s quarter-brother called himself Ice Cube way before the rapper did. He was a successful vaudeville comedian and songster, performing in refrigerators and ice cream counters across the country.
Since he was in showbiz, Ice Cube liked to stay trim, and he got his neck molded all long, to be like his signature look. It was distinctive but sometimes a kid in a duncecap would come backstage and say, “You’re a funny giraffes that fer sure.”
Ice Cube’s famous “belt” was recently auctioned off for a whopping 6 dollars at a memorabilia show.
Ned, Bill’s second cousin, was a always a sadsack.
Some people say it was his broomstick arms that made him wallow, but everybody knows that Ned’s molder, Ethel, loved her dog Eustace way more than Ned. Ethel would always say, “Why can’t you be more like Eustace, Ned?” Ned would try to bark and he’d try to get fleas, but he’d be accused of “trying too hard”. Worst was when Eustace would pee on Ned, and Ethel would accuse Ned of “peeing in his pants”. Ned would say, “But I don’t wear pants.” Then Eustace would say, “That’s why nobody loves you. Pants make the man.” Which drove Ned to go on his famous “Quest for the Perfect Pair of Pants”. Legend has it that he finally found a pair that fit perfectly but Ned melted minutes later in the dressing room at a Sears in Mississippi.
Oswald was Bill’s half-uncle. The two little girls in front of him used to torture him. Sadie and Wedgie. They were both locked up years later for several armed robberies and a slew of murders in Northern Nebraska.
Oswald lived a happy life for a few years after they’d gone to prison, until they finally owned up to murdering their little sister Betsy. Once they told the police where her body was, Oswald’s days were numbered. (NOTE: Betsy’s body was inside Oswald.)
Bill’s step-brother Glenn lived every day like it was New Year’s Eve. By lunchtime he’d be two bottles deep on champagne. The kids he lived with were drunk too. They were always trying to make a Snow-Lady for Glenn but they could never get past her lowest body-ball.
Glenn would get belligerent when the champagne would run out and start calling the kid’s names. Eventually, he forgot their real names and only addressed them as Shit, Fart, and Scum.
Belinda was Bill’s Aunt. As leader of this powerful clique of gossips and petty criminals, Belinda was able to climb the political ladder of her town of Noswego, North Dakota.
As mayor, her air conditioning policies have revolutionized the way residents think about a “summer coat”.
And I thought my family had issues!