Monthly Archives: May 2013

Z-CAT Broadcast Capabilities

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Z-CAT is ZAGHAVEN CABLE ACCESS TELEVISION, otherwise known as 6B-TV.
Z-CAT broadcasts from a tower on TOP of the Candy Factory, using an old analog signal.  Z-Cat is not sanctioned by the FCC, the FDA, or the NBA. In order to tune in to the show, you need to rig up an old TV set and stick a wad of paper in the channel changer so that it rests between channel 6 and channel 7. For best tuning, order your Frankie’s apartment fork and aluminum foil antenna today. Still only 35¢!
But, Z-Cat is also the by-hook-or-by-crook distribution technique that has been employed by the Frankie’s Apartment Neighborhood News Team for the last 11 years.  In addition to entertaining the kids of Zaghaven, we’ve also striven to be on as many cable access channels that we could trick into taking our VHS tapes and running them at 6 in the AM (same as Captain Kangaroo).  Through a carefully woven lattice of fans and accomplices (including LIRR conductors, paperboys as far North as Montreal, and junk dealers in southern Pennsylvania) we’ve been on no less than 57 stations in 11 years. Sometimes we’ve been on the air once, sometimes for years. In the case of our Long Island affiliate, WLIN, we had it going for almost 7 years. We were still delivering tapes to the station, six months after they’d shut down.

Time Jag

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The Time Jag in the Sixth Borough dates back to the NY Blackout of ’77.  A Candy Factory blunder upset the currents, and thru the grid for a loop.  Most of the city experienced power outage, but the Sixth took the brunt of the Time Freeze.  Almost 2 days, Time made like a table and stood still.  We recovered fine, but there are continuing ripples of time weirdness.  It’s not so bad, really.  You could be chatting in Zaghaven — and then your buddy just freezes up.  He’ll come back, but he’ll be 10 seconds younger than you.  You might go further back than him on Sunday when you throw igloos with a meatball almost in your moth.  Your fork just hangs there, your mouth can taste it — but you couldn’t move if you were Superman himself.  Point is, sometimes we all jag together and sometimes it’s like a half and half deal.  Like here — the clouds in the sky keep zipping along but the water stops flowing, the breeze goes dry, and Mrs. Sundri’s important point just has to wait about 47 seconds to come galloping out of her mouth.  She was just gossiping about the new couple that moved in next door to her.  ”A couple of no-good dirty hipsters,” she finally will say.

Synthesizer School

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Back in the 80′s, every town had it’s own Synthesizer School, because all the cool parents desperately wanted their kids to grow up to be in New Wave Bands.  I came across one of the old “Teach-a-long Synths” from the period when I was junking up in Brimfield this past week.
So cool!  All I can say is that the Old Future is way better than the New Future. The New Future is just Pinterest and Instagram. And the endless barrage of boring looking 4-door sedans.

The CASTLE

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The Castle Restaurant in Spencer, MA.  They have a drawbridge style entrance.
The Camelot Room offers a fancy dining experience.
The even have a moat to keep away the guests!
Sudsy swears by the place, but there wasn’t anybody there when I went.
I guess they thought I was a lady, because I got one of those old school menus where they don’t trouble the women with the pesky prices of things.  I got the Chateaubriand for two, even though I was all alone.  I’m not saying it was bad, because I ate both portions and two baked potatoes.  But my stomach has filed for divorce papers.  I’m not worried though, she’s done that before, like that time when I ate 32 White Castles in the back of a limousine.  One of the fanciest things I ever done.  My stomach, Gertie, came crawling back after about a week, and she used the divorce papers as tissues to wipe up her crocodile tears.  She wanted me back (because I had a bag of Doritos!)
Nicest touch: The gargoyles wish you a fond farewell in a prerecorded Kermit-the-frog voice.

Venus-Ball

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The Venusians on Sorgum Ave. sell these cheapo “gravity” balls.  They float around for an hour, then you have to replace the batteries.  Have you ever bought Venusian batteries? Get ready to mortgage your house.