Monthly Archives: November 2012

Gimace’s SAT Guide

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The first step in Grimace’s Guide To the SATs is similar to the spiel he gives kids
when he pulls out his glock and robs them for their Jordans (and Sour Patch Watermelons).
Grimace doesn’t like to talk about his side business as a tutor, not because the suits at
McDonny’s HQ would get mad, but because he doesn’t really consider himself a tutor.
“I’m more of a Blob,” says Grimace.
Originally Grimace’s SAT-Prep book was going to be called:
“Grimace’s Guide to Sitting On The SATs” but his publisher didn’t think it’d sell.
The inside of the book is indeed a guide to sitting on the test, but a lot of
ambitious high-schoolers still buy it because of the celebrity quotes on the back of the book.
These powerful referrals are staggeringly dated and not really referrals – they’re all just weird
quotes about times each celeb had occasion to party with Grimace.  In fact, the quotes take
up the entire second half of the book.
  Grimace called in big favors from his old (and some of them dead) friends –
Ron Reagan (Junior), Dolly Parton, Gallagher’s Brother (who used to perform as
“Gallagher Too” until Gallagher One sued him) and Snagglepuss (who wrote more of a love letter.
Not to mention:
Morton Downey Jr., Ed Begley Jr., Fred Savage and Danica McKellar.  The goofball uncle from
Full House and the lady from that show that wound up marrying Stamos.
Also:
Tilda Swinton (!?), Frank Perdue, and the guy who played Odo on Deep Space Nine.
Emo Philips.  Alyssa Milano.  Orel Hershiser.  The kid who played Ben on Growing Pains.
Tony Lo Bianco.  Blondie.  Orson Welles. Vanna White.  Brad Renfro.
Janeane Garofalo.  Krist Novoselic.  Andy Richter.  Tara Reid, Jonathan Demme, Charles Bronson,
Naomi Campbell, almost all the actors from Oz, the HBO jail show,
as well as the whole cast of the 2nd season of the Real World.
And LL Cool J. 

BREAKING NEWS: Twix Wrapper Stuck Under Subway Sign!

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I see this all the time.

The poor little, neatly folded Twix Wrapper was trapped under this sign for nearly 4 days.
It whimpered andsniffled and kept singing the KitKat theme song (oddly).  I went and
checked on it every day to see how it was doing.  Other News Reporters were there of course, similar to
when a kid get trapped in a well. If we were to simply pull it out and toss it in the trash, we’d be messing
with our own story. It’s a question of journalistic integrity.  I’ll do anything for a story, especially if
it’s a completely ridiculous non-story.  I’ll even make things up, that’s how dedicated I am to
internet journalism (just like all the other internet “journalists” out there).  
There’s a Billy Wilder film called Ace In the Hole starring hambone-extraordinaire Kirk Douglas
as a scummy journalist out of Albuquerque who keeps a guy stuck in a cave so he can break the story
and get back to working a big-city beat. My dad hated Kirk Douglas and said he was a schmuck.

Gimace’s SAT Guide

by
The first step in Grimace’s Guide To the SATs is similar to the spiel he gives kids
when he pulls out his glock and robs them for their Jordans (and Sour Patch Watermelons).
Grimace doesn’t like to talk about his side business as a tutor, not because the suits at
McDonny’s HQ would get mad, but because he doesn’t really consider himself a tutor.
“I’m more of a Blob,” says Grimace.
Originally Grimace’s SAT-Prep book was going to be called:
“Grimace’s Guide to Sitting On The SATs” but his publisher didn’t think it’d sell.
The inside of the book is indeed a guide to sitting on the test, but a lot of
ambitious high-schoolers still buy it because of the celebrity quotes on the back of the book.
These powerful referrals are staggeringly dated and not really referrals – they’re all just weird
quotes about times each celeb had occasion to party with Grimace.  In fact, the quotes take
up the entire second half of the book.
  Grimace called in big favors from his old (and some of them dead) friends –
Ron Reagan (Junior), Dolly Parton, Gallagher’s Brother (who used to perform as
“Gallagher Too” until Gallagher One sued him) and Snagglepuss (who wrote more of a love letter.
Not to mention:
Morton Downey Jr., Ed Begley Jr., Fred Savage and Danica McKellar.  The goofball uncle from
Full House and the lady from that show that wound up marrying Stamos.
Also:
Tilda Swinton (!?), Frank Perdue, and the guy who played Odo on Deep Space Nine.
Emo Philips.  Alyssa Milano.  Orel Hershiser.  The kid who played Ben on Growing Pains.
Tony Lo Bianco.  Blondie.  Orson Welles. Vanna White.  Brad Renfro.
Janeane Garofalo.  Krist Novoselic.  Andy Richter.  Tara Reid, Jonathan Demme, Charles Bronson,
Naomi Campbell, almost all the actors from Oz, the HBO jail show,
as well as the whole cast of the 2nd season of the Real World.
And LL Cool J. 

Oh NO! Gold Gifts is CLOSING!

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Gold Gifts, 63rd Drive in Rego Park.  The Spot.  This is where I got all my golden gifts for all my peoples.
They had it all.  Gold hats.  Gold socks.  Gold spatulas.  What is Scrooge McDuck gonna do?
Props.  Goitosiness!

Good name for an album.  Yo Luca – this should be the name of our concept record.
A collection of rap-jingles that all come in at 99 seconds or less.

The hand style is just def.

People In My Neighborhood: Paul

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Ran into my buddy Paul the other day at the library.  Paul, a Dept. of Sanitation Worker, had just finished
a double shift.  Paul likes to read mystery novels, especially hard crime books.
The Rego Park branch recently got the fancy letter treatment above.
Paul has a good sense of humor, but he always looks at me like I’m crazy.  He’ll stare at me forever,
faking no-comprendés, then he’ll just bust out laughing.  He always makes me over explain myself,
then he’s like, “I gotchu man.”
Paul.

INTERN DIARIES: 10/26/12

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Luca Guidolini, the most non-intern intern of all time, tore his ACL, had leg surgery, and has been limping
around for months, keeping this very brief, very sparse, text-diary of his unadventures.

The Boy’s Bathroom at Seward High

Label’s on Upside Down. You can see Luca in the snout.

Luca was rather fond of the OPP tag.

Oh NO! Gold Gifts is CLOSING!

by
Gold Gifts, 63rd Drive in Rego Park.  The Spot.  This is where I got all my golden gifts for all my peoples.
They had it all.  Gold hats.  Gold socks.  Gold spatulas.  What is Scrooge McDuck gonna do?
Props.  Goitosiness!

Good name for an album.  Yo Luca – this should be the name of our concept record.
A collection of rap-jingles that all come in at 99 seconds or less.

The hand style is just def.

People In My Neighborhood: Paul

by
Ran into my buddy Paul the other day at the library.  Paul, a Dept. of Sanitation Worker, had just finished
a double shift.  Paul likes to read mystery novels, especially hard crime books.
The Rego Park branch recently got the fancy letter treatment above.
Paul has a good sense of humor, but he always looks at me like I’m crazy.  He’ll stare at me forever,
faking no-comprendés, then he’ll just bust out laughing.  He always makes me over explain myself,
then he’s like, “I gotchu man.”
Paul.

INTERN DIARIES: 10/26/12

by
Luca Guidolini, the most non-intern intern of all time, tore his ACL, had leg surgery, and has been limping
around for months, keeping this very brief, very sparse, text-diary of his unadventures.

The Boy’s Bathroom at Seward High

Label’s on Upside Down. You can see Luca in the snout.

Luca was rather fond of the OPP tag.