If you’re dad is old, chances are you’re gonna seem like you’re from an older generation than the one that you’re supposed to be involved with.  That’s what it’s like for young Carl over here.  His dad, a respectable Sony Trinitron from 2003 had sex with a Time Warner Cable Box and spawned Carl: a Sony Trinitron from 2008.  Poor kid.  Most of his friends are either Sony flat-screen Bravias, Blu-Ray Players, and even some Roku Boxes.  He had a crush on an iPhone but she laughed in his screen when he asked her to go channel surfing with him. Carl’s dad says that when they all grow up they’ll appreciate Carl for who he is, but Carl’s dad is just lying. He’s always lying. Like that “Good” sign he wears. Well, it’s really more of a toupee.  You should see the pixels under there.

This place might have the lead on a dope apartment or two, but mostly they’ll just philosophize you right into renting a broom closet for 2000 bucks a month. Which isn’t so bad if you’re a wealthy broom. “No Mops!” read the ads on craigslist.com. “Dustpans welcomed.”  Remember, wearing a toga can be very comfortable. But it can also be very dangerous. You should really only wear a toga if you’re a bed, or if you work for that Pizza-Pizza place. I know a guy who wears a toga, but he’s a ghost.  Technically it’s not a toga, but then, neither is a toga — it’s just a sheet.  I looked under my ghost’s toga once and boy did he have a big piece of cheese hidden under there. It was enough cheese to feed a family of mice for seven years. No, I don’t have any wine to go with the cheese you little ingrates! The only thing worse than mice are rats and the only thing worse than rats are ghosts. Yes, I got my apartment through Socrates Realty Co.

Natesh has the most slamming henna beard on 74th Street in Jackson Heights. He sells pashminas, religious objects, really disgusting polyester shirts for men, and super-bootleg Spider-man towels.

Harry slings Dim Sum on Roosevelt Ave. in the Main Street area of Flushing.

The place he cooks at is kind of on the filthy side, but I go visit him sometimes because we trade comics and baseball cards. He lends me manga, I bless him with the fattest runs on 80’s superhero fodder.  He swears he’s going as Beta Ray Bill next Halloween.

Beta Ray Bill was this weird alien character from the Walt Simonson run on MIGHTY THOR.  Beta Ray swore he was just like Thor.  Sometimes I flip Harry for baseball cards and sometimes I play poker with him and his cook friends but I should call them his crook friends cause I always seem to go home light in the wallet.

Len sells live turtles on 8th Ave. in Sunset Park. He is ready to pack up his kit at a moment’s notice.

Even Shopping Carts wait on line to see Selena Gomez.

Dale collects cans and bottles as a hobby. He lives in Bushwick but he travels far into the Five in order to make it more interesting for himself. While he admits to being a little scrambled in the head, he says he’s not crazy. He likes being out in the fresh air and not having to answer to anyone. He has a great sense of style.

Dale used to fight his way through the bottle return machines that they have behind various supermarkets, but he says, “It’s a tough scene. People who go to the same machines all the time are competitive with the other people that go there too. And some of these guys collect so much you be there all day waiting for your turn.” So instead Dale hits this Recycling Garage that’s only “a few train stops from his house”.  It’s in Bay Ridge actually.

They give you a good price on a certain size bag.  Usually Dale fills two bags a day, hauls it back to the spot, gets his cash, and heads for home where he likes to drink Budweisers till he falls asleep.  “Time to make the Donuts,” says Dale, as he checks the time on his old hospital bracelet.

I’m not sure if you can tell, but Dale is dead serious about his mustache and he trims it meticulously.

This is the door bell (more like a buzzer) to our landlord, Mister Parfenix’s apartment. There used to be a rusty tin sign above it that said “DO NOT RING” but it fell off. Now we ring it all the damn time!