Monthly Archives: June 2013

Swimming Lessons

by

It’s almost Summer time, and a new crop of youngsters are learning how to swim at Lilly Pond Pool:

 

 

Here they’re learning the Poodle-Paddle Stroke which is a variation on the classic Doggy Paddle.

 

 

Documentation of this lesson was cut short because I got spotted by the Swim Instructor, Samuel, who did NOT take kindly to having his class photographed and cursed me out.  “SCRAM YOU FRIGGIN’ RAT!  THERE’S LEARNING GOING ON HERE!”

 

 

This lady charged at the kid in the funny T-shirt, apparently because he sold her unsatisfactory goods.  “YOU CALL THIS A SANDWICH?!?!”, she yelled.  Just as we reported last year, there’s always a good time to be had at the pool!

 

Combat Set Review

by

Rubbish review combat set

 

The “Super Cop” Combat Set is finally available! (beware of it’s Choking Hazard status)

 

combat set packaging 1-1

 

It’s got it all… Chinese Gun & ammo, Handcuffs with TWO keys, Night Stick, Walkie Talkie (also doubles as a canteen) and the coolest pair of Shades around. Though the plastic smells toxic and might burst into flames if exposed to small amounts of sunlight, I found the Handcuffs unusually strong and the nightstick perfect for muddling Mojitos. The Gun doesn’t work, but it’ll do the trick for what I need it for. The suction cups need glue in order to stick to a forehead, which Frankie can confirm. The Sunglasses caused a Stage-2 Migraine… which isn’t so bad. Overall I give Combat Set a solid 10 (out of 1,000).

 

combat set toys photo

 

Chuppa Products suggests to display Combat Set in the Snacks/Chips Department. I didn’t realize that 99¢ Shops had Departments, but I’d definitely expect to find weapons, ammunition and communication devices there. Only $3.99… which is appropriate considering target stores advertise 99¢ in their names and signage.

CANDY FACTORY

by
North you go, through Blue Kills Park.  Once you climb the fence, you hit the clearing. If you don’t wear some sort of breathing apparatus, be forewarned: the Vapors are much stronger here. Vapors effect each person differently. Nothing much changes if you’re a native, dreaming can be better, especially day-dreaming.  Hallucinations can be pungent. Sometimes a good idea could become unstuck from the hallucination and get real. Real Hallucinations are still fighting for their rights in local government. Still, non-natives have been known to float, pick-up radio transmissions in their heads, and lose their sense of smell.
Beyond the barbed wire and quicksand, over the nuclear waste creek, a click to the East. Allow your eyes to adjust before you decide it’s not there. The Candy Factory. I mean, that’s what we called it as kids.  Yes they made the Licorice, and those chocolate things, and that glow-in-the-dark Taffy.  But it was all just a part of keeping the place going.  They made a lot more than just candy over the years. Cheap Toys, getover House-ware items, Electronic Knick-knacks, Sneakers, Jackets, Hats, Sporting Equipment. It all kept the research funded.  They’d apply mistakes to the thingamajigs they sold.
Decoder Rings that generate a forcefield for kids that get bullied in school. Invisibility Sneakers that can project the space around you to make you appear invisible: except the sneakers are always visible.
The Hover-Bicycle sold the best: but kids died left and right. I do not want to discuss the brouhaha over their line of  handheld Vacuum Cleaners (they are still used as weapons in the bad parts of the Sixth today). What they were really doing was Experimenting.  Testing.  Pushing the Envelope. The Venusians came on accident through a conduit in the smokestack — the teleportation was something they never got quite right (if you find an old T-Belt I’ll give you 1000 bucks for it). There was talk about a quest to make youth — or distill it — or to freeze it.  There’s our time glitch. Some say they were cutting a hole in reality.  It’s safe to say they did that, but at what cost?
The closer you get, the farther you are from it.  You’ll keep finding yourself on the other side of the fence if you keep trying to reach it.  Rubbish and I made it to the door once.  When we walked inside, we were inside the lobby of our our apartment building — nearly 6 miles away.

Wall-To-Wall Guidos

by
This place used to be in Zaghaven, but I was really happy when it vanished off the strip. All the guidos used to chase me and Rubbish down Sorgum Ave. everyday.  They called me the neighborhood freak and said I was a filthy fanook for harboring a diseased rodent in my backpack. As I ran from them Rubbish would make with the hand gestures and tell them to do all sorts of things to their mothers. Better to leave this place where we found it.

 

BREAKING NEWS: Pizza Hut Becomes a Dry Cleaners

by
This was the staple roof for all the Pizza Huts back in the day.  Rubbish asked the the proprietor,
“Didn’t this used to be a Pizza Hut?” and the guy jumped in the air and said, “Bingo!” I suppose he jumped because Rubbish is a rat and he was inside his store.  But the guy was cool. He said it was a Pizza Hut from 1968-1970 (remember this was before the PIZZA EXPLOSION in the mid-70s), then became a KING OF JEANS until 1987, when our friend, the Dry Cleaner, bought the joint.  1980?  That sign looks like it’s from the 50’s.  More torture and treachery from the 6th Boro!

The Search Continues…

by
All the kids who were reared in the 6th Boro, went to Goldy’s when they wanted to get drunk. Whether you had a Fake ID, or a piece of looseleaf paper, Goldy’s sold to anybody. Goldy’s was run by an old gold prospector named Flam who named the place after his dog, who he had to eat once when he was lost up in the hills of some South American country while looking for gold.  He never found any gold, but when he made it back to the States in the 60s, his Mom had passed away and left him enough money to open Goldy’s.  Since getting drunk was actually something Flam loved more than gold, or even the idea of being rich, he felt like he had struck it big. Plus, he always hated his mother, who coincidentally, also liked to drink.  Goldy’s disappeared years ago from the 6th’s neighborhood called Brick Kiln, but popped up just yesterday in the town of East Rockaway out in LI.  I asked the guy inside what happened to Flam and he said he became a tree. “Lucky bastard,” I said.

 

Joan & Joanne’s Umbrellas

by

Journeying in search of the 6th Borough during the Summer can be a real pain in the ass.

 

 

When me & Frankie aren’t Zapping those missing pieces back to the 6th, we’re bitching and complaining about the sun and heat. And rightfully so! Here’s my latest suggestion to Frankie: UMBRELLAS! Joan and Joanne look both cool AND fly under theirs… So Frank, let’s finally put that umbrella collection of yours to good use. What do you say?